The Fear of Disappointment

Over the last week I noticed a change in my behavior, and not in a good way. I would get angry out of no where and want to scream. It was totally out of character and sometimes I would be around people who would get the brunt of my anger and later I would have to go & ask their forgiveness. I knew something was worng and it needed to be dealt with - and quick! I have been seeking the Lord and asking Him to show me where this anger is coming from and let's get it out! I sensed it was a something I had let in and had taken root somewhere along the way and was now showing its ugly head.

Tonight as I was spending time with the Lord I felt the Holy Spirit quietly say to my heart, "disappointment the fear of disappointment." I knew immediately that was it and tears came to my eyes as I knew it was time to release that fear. I felt so much peace and freedom once I prayed and declared the Word that the Lord is my Hope and all my Hope is in Him. I kept saying, "I believe You!" I felt the Lord ask me, "Do you think I can do this?" I kept on smiling an saying, "I believe You. My hope is in You"

I was reminded of a Psalm and a song...it goes like this
My hope is in the Name of the Lord
Where my help comes from
You're my strength my song
My Trust is in the Name of Lord
Where my help comes from
You are faithful

Its from the Hope album by Hillsong. It so refreshed my heart and I knew I was finally free.

So what's next....what else is ahead? As I surrender to Him I trust that what the Lord has planned for my life shall come to pass and I must believe Eph 3:20 (which was my devo reading today)

I choose to believe

"Create in me a clean, O God; and renew a right spirit within me."

David spoke these words in Psalms and I remember singing them in a song growing up in church. This is my prayer today. I want to hold on to faith, hope and love. I want to fight for what is right and stand up to what is wrong even in the midst of unpopularity. I want to see God’s plan for my life come to pass, and be used without hesitation and without regret. I will fight for what I know God has promised in His word. I have come to a place of brokenness again and must become transparent. Others see my flaws and quickly point them out for the sake of helping others. I must remain in love and choose rightly.

Am I wrong to hope, to dream, to want something I can’t see? Shall I be corrected as Sarah was and laugh at God’s promise only to delay it because of my disbelief? I say NO! I believe. I choose to have faith and remain in hope and love. Love, in 1 Cor 13, gives up its right to its own way. I can’t be selfish; I must give unconditionally, and love whole-heartedly. I must forgive and forge ahead. I must ask for forgiveness – quickly – of those I have wronged unknowingly.

I want to take time to do some fasting. I need to remain aligned & be sensitive to the changes God wants to make in my heart and life. So...yet another phase of change lies ahead, I'm nervous and excited. Oh how I "love" change....total sarcastic point I just made.

Recognition

I want to take some time to recognize...

I am a healed girl - even of things I didn't realize until after the Lord changed me.
I have stopped trying to control certain areas of my life.
I am free.
I have the ability to love people more than I ever have before.
The faithfulness of God to restore.
I must stay leaning forward into what God has for me.
I have something of value to contribute to my family, my friends, my church and my future.
I am very blessed.

Power of Agreement

There is something unique about agreeing with someone or something. I've been going through a Bible study with some friends and we've been disecting Matthew. I noticed in the first chapter that Jesus came from the line of Joseph, not Mary. That's when it hit me, when Mary agreed to marry Joseph that decision aligned her under Joseph's lineage (placed her under his authority and covering) and thereby enabled her to be filled with the Holy Spirit and bear Jesus Christ.

I had to questions: Could it be that God put in Joseph's heart to chose Mary because that's who He wanted to use, or would God have used anyone that Jospeh chose to marry because of his desire to please God and his destined lineage? Did God give Joseph the use of freewill to chose whomever he desired or was there a model image built inside of Joseph that caused him to only see Mary?

Mary didn't just agree to a marriage in the natural, she was agreeing to receive from God something supernatual. "Be it unto me according to thy word."